Adoption

Warning....this has potential to be long...but worth it I think :) 

 

Have you ever been asked the question, "What really gets you going?  What makes your heart beat faster and stirs an excitement down to the very core of your being?"  If you ask me that question...I would answer you by saying "adoption."  But how can this one word evoke such emotion in a person?  Especially when for some, it causes the exact opposite reaction.  It may cause fear, feel risky, not make sense.  But for me...it has always made sense and until recently, I had no idea why.  

 

I'm not really sure when I started to develop a passion for adoption, and I can't even really tell you what the "why" was behind it, besides the fact that I had seen so many kids in such dire need in countries all over the world, and that adoption painted a picture of what Christ did for me by adopting me into His family when He drew me to Himself.  I have always loved children, and have known for YEARS that I want to be a mom....maybe want is an understatement...I am MADE to be a mom.  There are few things in life that I want more than to raise a Godly family that fears the Lord.  Which is why this period of "waiting" I am in for a Godly man to help me raise that family is even harder than it should be, but I digress...and I pray :)  Anyways, I would say probably 5 years ago or so, I started to develop a very strong desire for adoption.  So much so, that in my head I felt strongly that I wanted a majority of my children to be adopted.  Sure, I want to have at least one baby of my own, but I over the years, I was becoming increasingly more and more okay with adopting most, if not all of my children.  To be honest, it kind of scared me and evoked such questions as "Am I not able to have kids?  Is that why God is putting a desire for adoption in me?  Is this the "consolation prize" I will get for being unable to have children?"  Crazy, I know....but those started to become real questions in my head/heart.  But even still...I felt excited.  My family would even joke that my family would be like "It's a small world after all" with kids from every nation living under my roof.  I was okay with that!  I was excited about that!  I was actually super fired up about that!   

 

It turns out...not everyone is excited and super fired up about that.  In recent months the subject of adoption and having kids became a sore subject in dating or potential dating relationships.  Inevitably we'd get to the point where it was necessary to bring those ideas for desires for a future family up, and I would end up scaring them off with my passion for adoption, and sometimes my desire for children in general.  I was accused of "having my life too planned out," or was told that overseas missions or adoption just "wasn't his thing."  Which is fine...but it grated on me.  Was my life too planned out?  Should I be THIS attached to the idea of adoption that it becomes a deal breaker in potential dating situations?  Should I be a little more flexible?  Maybe I shouldn't adopt after all?  And on, and on, and on, and on.  I was becoming willing to sacrifice what I felt God had placed on my heart, in order to find a man or in order to not appear "too planned out" in life.  Maybe this wasn't a calling after all?  Just a crazy idea I had?  It was becoming more and more unclear and confusing. 

 

Then I went to Africa.....

 

It was one of the last days in Turkana, and my team was assigned to work in a preschool that day.  Just go in, play some games, sing some songs, and do some skits for the kids.  Easy.  I got this.  I was exhausted, and worn out from the week, and to be honest...was really ready to just go in, hug some babies, do my time, and leave.  Wouldn't it be just like God to change my life on a day I thought would be ordinary?  

We began playing with the kids...they were seriously cute.  Probably 50 children under the age of 4 with two male teachers, pretty much zero structure, and even less in the way of resources for their school.  

 

 The kids at the school playing....

 

 

After about an hour of standing around with kids as they played games in Swahili and I stood in the heat watching them...semi-annoyed...I was told the kids were going to go have class and then have a meal before they went home.  Great!  We're almost done here...and I can go back and rest this afternoon!  (seriously. bad. attitude.)  So, we went into the kids classroom and began to sing songs and play games with them.  I was warming up to this.  There were several kids who were just darling, and clinging to me...and there's nothing that gets me out of a funk more than a cute baby...so things were looking up! 

Hanging out in their class with them...sweet babies.  

So many kids!  Kinda chaotic...but really fun!  

Just trying to be scholarly at school ;)  Is it wrong I didn't tell her they were on upside down?  It was too cute :)  And I don't know Swahili!

This little one stole my heart.  Melted me right into a puddle.  

After awhile, the teachers told the students it was time for their meal.  I have NEVER seen kids move that fast.  As they ran to the door, someone explained to me that most kids go to school because it's the one place they are guaranteed a meal for the day.  Wow.  What a perspective check. 

Kids lined up ready to head to the next building for their meal.  

As the kids lined up, I was told that we would be moving them down to the next building where they would wash up and be given a bowl of porridge.  

Eager to wash those hands! 

I stood by as I watched kid after kid RUN to the wash basin, wash their hands and run into this concrete building.  The kids all sat on the hard floor and against the cold walls of this cement room and I watched as volunteers began to give each child a large bowl filled with porridge, and another large bowl filled with juice.  This porridge was unlike any other porridge I have seen.  It was a liquid-y consistancy, with a semi-hard film across the top, which kids pulled off, ate, and then dumped the liquid part in their mouths.  And after they poured the porridge in their mouths, they ran their little fingers and hands along the sides of the bowl, getting every last drop and licking their fingers up to the knuckle...not wanting to waste even a drop.  

Eating the film off the top of their bowl.

Desperately pouring their porridge in their mouths.

Sweet, hungry, babies. 

Now I've seen a lot of kids in need...and been all over the world in situations where I have seen the poor be fed, but I have NEVER felt the way I felt in that room.  I was completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion.  I served porridge to several children, as they waited patiently for my hands to set the bowl on the floor in front of them, before they scooped it up, and drank it down, making it disappear faster than it appeared.  After a few minutes, it became clear that I could no longer stand in this room.  I was so overcome with emotion...and could feel the tears welling in my eyes.  In order to avoid alarming the children, I went outside to get a hold of myself.  I sat down on the steps of the building and just sobbed.  I let the tears rolls off my sunburned cheeks, and drip down onto the parched African dust.  I had every emotion I could have had.  I was sad for these kids...I was angry with God for allowing such injustice.  I was angry with myself for being so selfish.  I wanted to do more, and I was so mad that I went to Turkana for a week and a half, and then was just going to leave these people in the same state I met them in.  What good did I do?  What more could I do? 

So....I had it out with God.  Right there.  Right on that cement step in the middle of Turkana.  Tears pouring down my face, angry, and out to let God know just how unfair this was. 

So I told Him.  And I asked Him why He was allowing me to see this?  And how could I possibly do more?  And He listened.  And then, as He often does, He spoke.  Simply.  Beautifully.  Profoundly.  To the very depth of my soul.  

 

"Amanda...I am allowing you to see this....to visit many of My nations all over the world...because one day adoption is how you will help and how you will impact my Kingdom."

 

*gulp....crickets chirping*

 

Right there...in the middle of Turkana, the Savior of the Universe, heard my cries, caught my tears, and turned His head to answer me and affirm in me that my "notion" to adopt is actually a calling.  Despite what the world, and man may tell me...I was no longer to second guess. 

 

More tears.  Tears of praise. Tears of Thanksgiving.  Tears of joy.  Tears of humility. 

 

As I composed myself, I looked up, and saw a little girl standing in front of me with the biggest, white, toothy, grin.  So I smiled back, and she climbed up on my lap and grabbed my hand.  Tangible expressions of My Father's love for me.  

 

 

I think I'm still processing through all that this encounter means for my life.  And ultimately, at this point I am in no position to act on this calling.  But as I processed that day and in the days to follow, Jesus simply told me to trust Him.  To enjoy the ride until I am able to act.  To continue observing His nations and seeing His creation until it's time.  And to rest in His calling.  I think I can handle that.  

 

"For He has not ignored the suffering of the needy, He has not turned and walked away.  He has listened to their cries for help.  I will praise you among all the people; I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.  The poor will eat and be satisfied.  All who seek the Lord will praise him.  Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.  The whole Earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to Him.  People from every nation will bow down before Him.  For the Lord is King!  He rules all the nations."

Psalm 22:24-28 NLT

 

 

 

And He Did

Oh my....every time I decide I'm going to be better about blogging, I'm not better about blogging. I am, however, very good at blog stalking.  I can get lost for hours reading other people's blogs....I'm not sure if that's entirely healthy...but for me it's a glimpse into the work that God is doing in the people around me, and I just generally appreciate people's writing styles.  Geeky! But oh so true.  I also love the fanciness of people's blogs...and admittedly, shyed away from writing in mine because before today it was L-A-M-E.  I had some spare time today, so I snazzed it up a bit.  Hopeful that this will be a more inviting place for me to WANT to write.  Because I do want to.  Writing is healing....therapeutic for me.  And, because I now live a fair distance away from most of my family and friends, blogging is a practical way for me to keep them up to date on my life.  So....let's try this again!  Hopeful.

So...an update on me...this summer has been hard  good.  If I'm truthful, it has been both.  It started in June with me leading a team of 9 high school students to Turkana, Kenya.  My church has a partnership with a church in Nairobi, Kenya and our youth, and their youth went on mission together to minister to a remote and marginalized people group in Kenya.  (For more information you can visit www.wheatonbible.org/hopekenya) I had been planning on co-leading this trip with my good friend and boss, Phil, for months.  I was pumped.  My heart had longed to be back in Africa since I left it's soil in 2011, and I could not wait to be back.  And then two weeks before, Phil was unexpectedly able to go, which landed me as primary leader for this trip.  Exit "pumped" feeling....insert "scared."  How was I going to lead this team without Phil?  Sure, I have led plenty of teams overseas, but always in a support role.  Not the MAIN leader.  My thought pattern was something like, "Really, God?  Do you know what You're doing here?  I'm not even very much older than these kids!  I need Phil.  I can't do this without him.  Are these parents crazy letting their students go with me?  Am I going to make the right decisions at the right times?  What if we miss flights?  I'm so immature.  I have so much to learn.  I cannot possibly be capable of this."  And the list went on, and on, and on.....and ON....as you can imagine.  

In fact, the Sunday night before I left, I opened my journal intending to give God a piece of my mind, and scrawled every single reason why this was the worst idea He has ever had on the pages.  I was scared, I was hesitant to trust, I was full of excuses, I was downright mad that God wasn't allowing me to have the comfort of going on this trip with a familiar friend.  And then God told me to listen.  So reluctantly, I did.  I listened as He spoke to every single fear I had.  As He gently called every single lie I was believing out of the darkness and exposed it in His light, replacing it with His truth.  I listened as He called me to radical trust and obedience.  I humbly accepted my role as leader as He told me that Phil was never going on this trip.  It was always me who was leading it.  This was His plan A....not plan B.  *gulp*  And He ended our time by assuring me that this trip was going to be hard (that's really not comforting, Lord!), and that I was going to have to trust Him in ways I had never imagined (not helping!), but that He would prove Himself trustworthy if I relied on Him in every one of those instances.  Okay.  I can do that.  I think.  So, I told myself I would.  

I am so thankful that my Savior met me where I was at that night before I left, and that He led me to listen, trust, and obey Him in those moments.  Because, I never could have been prepared for how true His words were to me in preparation for what I was about to experience.  Leading a team to one of the most remote parts of Kenya was one of the best and hardest experiences of my life.  I very quickly realized that the theme of this trip was going to be trust and flexibility...not only in myself, but in the students as well.  I have no doubt that God led me to Kenya for MANY reasons, but one of His biggest was to break me down to the point where I had no choice but to trust Him.  To teach me that I can trust Him for every. single. need. I have.  Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  ALL of them.  I think in my head I have always "known" that.  But I have NEVER been in a position where He was my only source of everything I needed.  I was praying prayers like, "God...I literally cannot walk another step up this mountain in 100 degree heat.  You are going to have to physically move my legs."  And He did.  "God...I am hungry and thirsty.  My water is rationed, and my food is not always edible.  I need You to fill me.  I need You to quench my thirst."  And He did.  "God...I had no idea we were going to be in such extreme conditions.  I had no idea I would be using a squatty potty for a week and a half, much less that a group of 6 HS girls were going to be thrown into this.  I have no idea how to lead.  I need You to show me how to lead."  And He did.  "God, I am halfway across the WORLD from my family.  I am in no way able to get to them if something happens, and I am terrified.  Help me to trust You with my family.  I need You to protect them."  And He did.  "God...we have been traveling for over 24 hours...I am tired, weary, and lacking sleep.  And our bus tire just went flat.  In the middle of nowhere.  In a total desert.  There is no one in sight.  We don't have the right tools.  And it will be HOURS before we come to the next town or pass anyone on the "road".  I need You to bring someone.  I need You to bring the right tools to fix the bus."  AND. HE. DID.  "God, I have no one to talk to and process with.  I am completely lonely in a room full of 60 people.  I need You to listen.  I need You to be my comfort.  I need You to love me right now."  And He did.  

I could go on and on.  Literally.  God showed me in such HUGE, TANGIBLE, RIDICULOUSLY amazing ways that I can trust Him with every detail of my life.  And not just in Kenya.  In West Chicago.  In every second of my normal everyday life.  He is trustworthy.  I am so thankful for this incredibly hard and awesome lesson.  And, I'm still learning.  That's why this summer has been hard good.  And I'm thankful for the ways that My Jesus leads me down the paths that are hard good, because that's where growth happens.  And I'm thankful that He doesn't allow me to settle in and get comfortable where I'm at.  He knows what I'm capable of.  He knows because He made me that way.  And I can trust Him in every hard situation, because when I ask....He. Will.

Here are a few pics of my trip.  Oh my heart just smiles every time I look at them.  (And it's often!)  Oh Africa...stop stealing pieces of my heart already!  

My team.  They were/are wonderful.  What a privilege.  

The Lord gave me the opportunity to give my testimony in a church in Turkana.  It had to be translated into two different languages for people to understand.  What an experience!

Beautiful women of Turkana.  Such joyful worship and wreckless abandon to the Lord.

Sweet babies everywhere.  God also solidified my calling to adoption while in Kenya. (A whole other very long blog post)  What a blessing.  I am so thankful.

 

 Pastor Simon.  One of the pastors at Parklands Baptist.  One of my most favorite men in the world.

I had the most amazing host family (my host sis and I, pictured) who took me for pizza while I was there.  What a treat!!!!  I love them.

I got to kiss a giraffe....and see multiple in the wild.  Giraffes are one of my most favorite things in the entire world, and literally one of the ways God has shown me He loves me.  By allowing me to enjoy His creation, the giraffe.  (I'm so serious!)  

Two Minute Story

So...it's been awhile to say the least....almost a year!  Geesh!  My life has changed in BIG, BIG ways in the past few months....but that's another blog for another time, and some of the transitions may just be answered in the words to follow :)

In short....I attend and work at a new church now.  Wheaton Bible Church, in Wheaton IL.  It is a fantastic community of believers that I am privileged to be a part of.  One of the things we have been challenged to do is to create our "2 Minute Stories."  These are two minute versions of our faith stories/how God is currently working in our lives that we can have formulated and on the tips of our tongue at a moments' notice in order to share and connect with people who may not be believers in Christ, or just to share our journey in general.

Part of the ways that God has totally blessed me since being here is by placing me in a community of women who are studying the book of James together, and just generally overall "doing life together."  I have met with these ladies for three weeks now, and I am already incredibly blessed by their friendship and community.

Our leaders challenged us last week to come prepared to share our "2 Minute Story" tonight at group.  I always get a mix of emotions when asked to share my story because in some ways I consider it "bland and unexciting."  I even get a little anxiety over having a story that seems so "easy" to people because I know that's not everyone's story...and that makes me feel a little guilty.  I remember starting to share my story in a small group a couple years ago and beginning my story by saying "my story isn't super exciting..."  no sooner had the words left my mouth, and a guy in my group stopped me and said, "Wait...did Jesus find you?"  I said, "Yes."  He said, "Does He continue to pursue you daily?"  Again I said, "Yes."  And he replied simply by saying, "Then you have an amazing story!"  Needless to say, as I wrote my two minute story for group tonight, the same fears and anxieties came to mind as I set out to pen my words on the page.  I remembered what he had said, and continued writing the story that God brought to my mind.  As I listened to the stories tonight....I was struck by the diversity of the stories in our group.  Some of these women had been through some incredibly challenging stuff, others had a fairly decent "Christian" home kinda life....but the common theme was the same.  Our God is relentless in His pursuit of our hearts.  No matter how many times we turn away from Him, no matter how much it seems like He isn't there, no matter if we grew up in a Christian home or not....He is ALWAYS. THERE.  Period.  And He always pursues, and loves us through our circumstances, and shows Himself in tangible and evident ways in our life.  What an incredible love He has for us!  Unfathomable.

In the spirit of the title of this blog, it only seems appropriate that I share the story of how I was ultimately "remade."  This is my two minute story....a mere glimpse at the work He has done and continues to do in my life.  A snapshot of His relentless love and pursuit.  A picture of the greatest love story EVER.  Enjoy :)

______________________________________________________________________________________

I accepted Jesus Christ into my life at the early age of 10 years old after hearing a speaker at my
AWANA club. I knew that night that I wanted to accept Christ into my heart, but I didn’t know
how or what to do. After some talking with my parents and a pastor friend of the family, I put
my faith in Christ on April 10, 1995 and was baptized shortly after.

I grew up with Christian parents who loved me and did everything they could to make sure
my brother and I had a great life. Because of that, my life was “easy” and left little room for
developing a true reliance on Christ and the development of a true Christ follower.

I spent most of my elementary and high school years holding loosely to my Christian roots,
doing my best to be a good person, and knowing that as a child I had “punched my salvation
ticket” I had the hope that someday I would be in Heaven. But my faith was little more than
what some may call “fire insurance.”

My high school years were rough for me, and every day was filled with teasing, ridicule,
insecurity and trying to fly under the radar just enough so that I didn’t become the brunt of the
next joke, but still maintain some surfacey relationships with a few close friends. I was the only
person at my youth group from my school, and I saw that as just another place and way that I
didn’t fit in and a place that magnified my insecurities. My solution was to stop attending youth
group all together for several years. I spent most of that time away being just good enough
that people didn’t ask questions, but behind closed doors trying to keep up with my non-
Christian friends, and dabbling in the world as much as I could without ruining my reputation.
I blamed my youth pastor as my reasoning for not attending youth group, as if somehow my
disobedience was his fault.

My senior year my church had a revival service, and I went along with my parents. I remember
sitting in a youth service and the pastor talking about how a Christ follower’s life should look
different from people in the world. He used an analogy of three chairs. He said chair 1 was a
sold out Christ follower, and chair 3 was someone who was sold out to the world. Then he said
that a lot of us fall into the chair 2 category. We have one arm around our Christianity when it’s
convenient, and one arm around the world when it’s convenient, and we aren’t truly living for
Christ. He then gave us time to think and pray about which chair represented us. I remember
sitting there so convicted by my chair 2 status, and sincerely wanting nothing more than to be
in chair 1 and following Christ with my whole life. I prayed and asked God to change my heart
right there, and show me what it truly meant to live life for Him.

That same year, my grandma passed away from ovarian cancer. It was one of the hardest
things I had dealt with in my life up until that point. Knowing that I couldn’t navigate the pain
and grief on my own, I went back to my youth group. What I found was that even though
I left, the students and leaders in that group never stopped caring for me, and were such

a community for me in my time of grief. I then started attending youth group again, and
developing some of my most meaningful relationships with kids there from other schools, and
with my youth pastor and his family.

Now, 8 + years later I am able to see how God continued to pursue me throughout my
disobedience to Him. For awhile I looked back on my high school years as painful and ones
that I wanted badly to forget. I started serving in student ministries after graduating high
school, and have been serving in student ministries for almost 9 years. A couple of years ago
it occurred to me that none of my experience was an accident. God had a plan for my pain,
and a way to use my story. I now see my story as a way to relate and minister to girls under
my influence in student ministries. God has developed a passion for student ministries in my
heart, and I have always prayed for an opportunity to serve in ministry full time. Having went
to a secular university, my opportunities for that seemed to be lacking. In the spring of 2012,
after some intentional time of prayer and fasting about God’s plan for my life professionally,
I learned of the position with student ministries at Wheaton Bible Church. I was hired in June
2012…at the same time as that former youth pastor who I blamed for all my problems was
hired at Wheaton Bible Church as the Lead Pastor of Student Ministries. I now spend everyday
working within my passion and working with someone who played such a key role in my
spiritual development as a teenager and who’s family has loved and cared for me for nearly 13
years. Although I still struggle with bouts of insecurity from time to time, and those high school
memories can taunt me, I have no doubt in my mind that God had a plan from the get go, and I
am sitting smack dab in the center of His will. For that I am truly grateful.

Legacy

Did you think I gave up on this whole blog thing?  Yeah?  Forgive me, I've had just a tad bit going on in life since jet setting across the world to Africa.  (See last post....you're really behind ;)  More on that at some point....preferably in person...where we can sit and chat over coffee and I can show you pictures of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life.  No, really....let's get coffee and talk about it!  :)  Anyways, it's been a crazy few months!  I got back from Africa, I ended up moving to a new house, I started the insanity that is recruitment season, and most recently my beloved Grandpa Crumrine WON his battle with cancer, and went to be with the Lord.  Yes, I did say he won his battle with cancer, because when you're a believer in the most High King, and your body ceases to exist on this Earth, you take up your rightful citizenship in Heaven.  So although I miss him, I refuse to say or let anyone else say that he "lost his battle with cancer" because well, that just isn't true :)  I've had a blog post formulating in my head since I learned of my grandpa's passing, and the theme that has danced in my head in the days that have followed.  So...here we go :)

So, here's the deal.  I have amazing grandparents.  I'm super blessed to say the least.  Each of them are incredibly unique.  You've got my Grandma and Grandpa Mac.  Have you ever seen "Everybody Loves Raymond?"  You know the old couple on that show?  That's them :)  They are hilarious to say the least, and some of my most favorite people to spend time with and have always been my brother and I's biggest fans in life.  Ever wonder where I get my big hair, and love for makeup and glitz and glamour?  Grandma Mac.  Her name is Catherine, and whenever I'm getting really fancy, my parents say I'm getting "All Catherined Up" and I know exactly what they mean ;)  My friends affectionately refer to her as my Vegas Grandma :)  Then you have Grandpa Mac.  A hardworking, soft spoken, small town, Cardinal fan.  When I went to Africa he began praying weeks in advance, and made sure I knew it.  Sweet as he is, you don't want to see him after a Cardinal's loss ;)  Grandma and Grandpa Mac are still living, and will always be a very important part of my life.  I love them.

Then you have Grandma and Grandpa Crumrine.  Grandma Crumrine passed away when I was a Senior in high school, and I didn't think anything else could shake my life up more than that.  She was the classiest of ladies, hailing from the Jersey Shore and coming to live in small town Illinois with her beloved Navy sailor.  She was 100% Sicilian, and the times I had with her could best be described as hilarious and always memorable.  My cousins and I affectionately referred to her as our "Rock and Roll Grandma."  Because, well, she was all about the party :)  Yet in the sweet and quiet moments, she was one of the wisest women I have ever known, and I can only aspire to be just like her someday. 

Just over two weeks ago, my grandpa Crumrine passed away.  It wasn't unexpected.  He had lung cancer, and had taken a turn for the worse in the recent weeks.  While his death still marks one of the hardest things I have been through in my 25 years, I had a lot of time to refocus my thought process surrounding his death, and the theme that kept playing over and over in my head was "legacy."

When I was a senior in high school I gave a talk at my youth group, and it was centered around the fact that each one of us was going to leave a legacy on this earth, and to think about what we wanted it to be about. I played the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman, and although I think my friends thought I was cheesy, it's still one of my favorite songs.  You can listen to it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3GxmLaaAwg

This song and the word "legacy" has been echoing in my head since the moment I found out my grandpa passed away.  Someone wrote on my Facebook about him leaving a legacy, and it stuck with me.  As I sat in his house with my family and my cousins and without him, I could have let the sadness overtake me.  It was certainly strong enough to.  However, I couldn't help but just look around and take it all in.  All of us....6 of his children, their spouses, his grandchildren, and now their spouses, all there because of him.  All of what was before me happened because he met my grandma, they fell in love, and created a legacy together.  A legacy that will reach far beyond their lives, and far beyond even mine!  Each of us with our own stories, because of his story.  It's surreal to think about!  The plan that God has unfolded for my life is a part of his legacy.

Take just me for example.  Over 25 years ago my grandpa started a business.  Shortly thereafter, he hired a young man to work for him.  Then, he hired my dad to work for him.  That young man and my dad became friends.  That young man became a pastor at New Castle Bible Church, invited my dad to attend the church with my mom.  My parents become Christians and begin regularly attending New Castle.  I grow up in a Christian home, and in a church that would be my church home for over 25 years.  It's there that I find my passion for youth ministry, become friends with some of the most important people in my life, travel half way around the world to do mission work with them, and will spend my life living for the glory of the King.  That same pastor did my grandpa's funeral and spoke of the legacy that was left by my grandpa.  And, random side note...his daughter will be moving in with me this week.  How's that for coming full circle?  All because my grandpa hired an employee way back when.  Not to mention the fact that I'm determined now more than ever to be the Domestic Goddess that my grandpa always teased me about not being ;)  And this is just my story!  My entire family has a story that was started by my grandpa!  It's incredible to think about. 

My grandpa's visitation and funeral was among one of the classiest I have ever been a part of.  Hundreds of people came to pay their respects, thousands of memorable words were spoken...not one of them bad, dozens of flower arrangements sent to our family, two refrigerators and all of our counter space entirely covered with food offering condolences to our family, one of the most amazing funeral services ever was performed, cards were sent, Navy men paid their respects at the graveside, and many tears were shed.  And the funniest part of it all was that my grandpa would have hated all the hoopla of that!  Ha!  He was such a quiet, gentle, faithful, wise, man who never wanted attention drawn to him.  But when you leave an amazing legacy, there's bound to be a little bit of attention drawn to you in the end :)

As the casket was brought out of the church, all of my cousins lined up on either side as we said goodbye to our grandpa for one last time.  Through my sobs, I couldn't help but look at all my cousins...each of them grieving the loss of what grandpa meant to them.  But I also couldn't help but think of their stories...the ones that are still being written, all because of the legacy my grandpa left in their lives. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that each of us has a legacy to live out, and are a part of a legacy that has been left to them.  And ultimately a part of a grand plan that is divinely orchestrated by the Creator himself.  I plan to create one heck of a legacy!  I can only hope to do it with the class and hilarity of Grandma C, the hardwork of Grandpa Mac, the wise and calm faith of Grandpa C, while staying glitz and glam like Grandma Mac.  I do believe that will be a good start :)

I will close with one of my most recent favorite stories of Grandpa C.  The morning I left for Africa he called me on the phone to tell me goodbye, and in true Amanda fashion, I was freaking out about my plane ride.  ( I have a severe fear of flying!)  I was like, "Grandpa...it's such a long time...and it's so scary!"  And he laughed and said, "I know, honey, but just look out the window and enjoy the view.  Think of it as a beautiful movie that the Lord has created especially for you."  I carried that with me on my entire trip and was the calmest I have ever been on a plane.  So...here's to you, Grandpa C!  I hope you are enjoying your time with Jesus and watching us proudly as we live out your legacy like a movie just for you :)  We love you and only hope to make you as proud of us as we were of you.

Overwhelmed

Earlier this week, my Facebook status simply stated what I felt like my life was so obviously screaming.  "Amanda McLaughlin is completely overwhelmed."  It wasn't a lie.  In my head, I had every right to be overwhelmed.  I had just a tad on my plate.  Finishing work up to be gone for 3 weeks, preparing for Africa mentally, preparing for Africa physically (I hate laundry and packing...this is a recipe for bad news prior to trips!), add on to there that I still had money to raise for my trip at the end of last week, my team was still waiting on 5 Visas to come through, I was wrestling with God in several areas, and you could forget about my healthy eating plan!  I was too busy for that nonsense!  Did somebody say McDonald's!? Throw all these things together, and some more I'm sure, and I was as emo as a good Dashboard Confessional song.  I mean it....I would read Facebook status' of friends...happy, sad, or even "I had cereal for breakfast" kind of status', and I would burst into tears.  My poor mom was getting the emails I'm sure she dreads from me....you know, the ones where I sit there and write them, and she doesn't know it (I'm sure she prob does), but I'm writing them with tears streaming down my face.  Yup.  That kind of week.  I would lay in bed everynight praying for God to calm my spirit, and that I would get some sleep.  I mean, really!  I needed that sleep! 

About midweek I woke up earlier than my alarm (hate that!), to a text message from Facebook.  I immediately thought two things.  A.)  I flippin' HATE Facebook mobile!  Why are you sending me texts at 5 am?  B.)  I opted to have Facebook mobile...so I needed to calm down about that.  When I read it, I was instantly calmed by the fact that a dear friend of mine had read my status and left a piece of scripture on my wall for me to read.  I opened up my Bible, read the scripture, and it was as if instantly everything was put into perspective.  I felt my spirit calming, but more than anything I felt like from that point forward God was tellling me it was okay to be overwhelmed.  But not the kind of overwhelmed that I was feeling. 

It took me awhile to piece if all together, but now...as I'm sitting here the night before my trip.  I am seeing things a lot more clearly, and in a whole new kind of overwhelmed!  It's as if God has been saying, "Go ahead Amanda.  Be overwhelmed.  But let me remind you of the things you should be overwhelmed by.  You have a great job...who let you off for 3 weeks to take a once in a life time trip across the world to declare My name and rejoice with your brothers and sisters there.  That same trip is the trip that you are stressing about preparing for mentally...just follow Me.  Oh yeah, and that laundry?  You have clothes don't you?  Enjoy them.  Remember how you still needed $1000 for your trip just a couple weeks ago?  I brought you that money.  All of it.  And all of the money for the rest of your team.  And then some.  The Visas that everyone was waiting on....I did that too.  Luckily I'm tight with the Nigerian embassy.  The last one showed up today...you had to have known I was gonna work that out.  You know that wrestling match we keep having about hard things in your life?  Keep wrestling with it.  You are going to be stronger for it, and you won't believe what I'm waiting to bless your life with if you just trust and follow Me.  It makes me smile to see you happy and I delight in giving you the desires of your heart.  That's how much I love you.  By the way...great weigh in today.  You doubted that I could give you the will power to take this weight loss journey, didn't you?  How does it feel to be 41 lbs lighter?  I am so proud of You, daughter.  Are you still overwhelmed?  You are one blessed girl...it's okay to be a little overwhelmed.  My love and grace tends to do that." 

Now obviously...that's not a direct quote from God..ha!  But, it's what I feel like He is saying in my spirit in so many words...put into my words. 

To make my point, I am still overwhelmed.  But a new kind of overwhelmed.  An overwhelmed that can only come from someone who is in awe of the awesome power, ways, and grace of the King of the Universe.  Overwhelmed by the fact that when you trust God with the seemingly impossible situations in life, He delights in making them possible.  Overwhelmed by a God who loves His people so much that He delights in giving them the desires of their hearts, and blessing them. 

Tomorrow morning I will get on a plane and head literally across the world to Nigeria, Africa.  I will be in a culture I've never been in, seeing things I've never seen, meeting people I've never met, being in situations and places I never dreamed of being, and being used by God to declare His name and bring love to a nation in His name.  I am so humbled that He has chosen to use me in this way.  And I think it's pretty safe to say that this is just the beginning of my being overwhelmed. 

I'm A Loser.....

**Short disclaimer:  I hate when people toot their own horn about things.  I'm not into moms who brag on their kids obsessively, I don't like it when people show off and make their business other people's business for the sake of people knowing, heck, I have a hard time accepting a compliment sometimes.  So...the last thing I want to make this post about is a "look at me" kinda thing...but rather about a long journey that has taken place throughout most of my life, and another way in which I am being "remade."**

If you know me, you know that I have struggled with weight for most of my life.  Some times have been worse than others, but overall it has been a cloud that looms over my head in some form constantly.  One look at my great ancestors will tell you that I was never destined to be small by any means.  We're just "big boned" people.  However, in recent years, it has become more and more an annoyance, and a way in which I viewed myself as not quite measuring up.  It has affected my social life, my self confidence, and just overall who I am.

Now I have wasted a lot of time on diets.  You name it, I did it.  Including that one weird one....South Beach?  All I know is I ate a lot of cheese, and although I like cheese, who can live like that!?  I tried calorie counting, I tried simply "watching what I ate," I tried cutting out soda or fast food...or whatever.  Inevitably I would lose a few lbs, get off track and gain it right back, leaving me right back where I started, and more frustrated than I had been.  I was chalking it up to the fact that I just "couldn't lose weight."  I was meant to be a "bigger person."  You can imagine how that left me feeling...not so hot!  Ha!  

About a little over a year ago, I got frustrated with who I was.  I was constantly selling myself short in life because of how I didn't measure up to what society considered "beauty."  I was constantly comparing myself to other girls, and my self confidence was more like self NOT confidence.  So, at the suggestion of a co-worker, I decided to join her in a work out challenge at work.  The goal?  Be the first one to exercise the equivalent of 100 miles.  It sounded daunting, and she was a triathlete!  What was I getting myself into!?  But ya know what, I saw the goal...and I was NOT going to let her beat me.  And she didn't :)  About 2 months later, I was sittin' pretty with the cash reward from the office pool, and had more motivation than ever to get moving!  That was the first in a series of events that would be how I would begin a journey of being "remade" physically and mentally. 

In August of last year, I joined Mary Kay.  Now....for all my MK nay sayers, and people who like to tease me about selling it...laugh all you want.  But, I can honestly say that being a part of this company has changed the way I view myself as a person, and has given me the self confidence I have needed to continue on in the journey that I was unknowingly embarking on.  Through Mary Kay I have learned to embrace who I am, believe in myself, know that I'm beautiful, and take challenges I would have never taken.  I chose to make decisions that affect who I am.  Not anyone else!  Along with that I also gained an incredible group of women who support me and love me through life.  No questions asked.  It was just the booster I needed to take me to the next level of my journey!

When I started the exercise challenge, I was at the highest weight I had ever been.  That was January of 2010.  In 2010, somehow I managed to lose right around 25 lbs without really even trying that hard.  I just felt better about who I was, and in turn was making choices that were better for my overall health and well being. 

So....why did I tell you all of this?!  You're probably wondering when I will get to the point :)

Knowing that I now had the confidence that I needed; at the beginning of May, I decided that I was ready to take charge, once and for all of my health, body, and overall well being.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers, and truly commit myself to losing weight, and becoming on the outside, who I wanted to be, to match how I felt on the inside.  After just about 2 months, I have lost 12.4 lbs., making my total weight loss 37.4 lbs!  I am ecstatic to say the least.  (That's the bragging part :)  This is the most weight I have ever lost at one time, and I feel amazing :)

Like I said...I say all of this, not to try to brag or make myself sound awesome, but for me, it's all about the journey, and making people aware of what God has done in me over the past year or so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have accused God of giving me the short end of the stick in life, and whined about how unfair He was because I was caught in the trap of societal comparison. 

I am so thankful that I serve a patient God.  One that didn't just give me what I wanted....but rather gave me what I desired, and also blessed me by leading me through a journey of discovering who I really was, and who I was made to be....in HIM!  I am not only ecstatic for my weight loss, but I am ecstatic at what God is doing in me as a result.  And it's not over!  I have a long ways to go until my goal, but I know I will get there :)  God has given me the best support system ever, and the will power, patience, and endurance to run the race (quite literally! ha!) that He has set before me.  To continue to allow myself to be remade in Him, through Him, and even on the outside too :) 

And that my friends....I may just brag about a lil ;)

 

Embrace It

This has been a long time coming.  Being a regular "blog reader"  (is there a special word for that?  It seems like it should be called something fancier than "blog reader?") I have been thinking since probably January that I should start blogging again.  Yes.  Again.  Meaning I have blogged, and failed in the past.  Okay, so maybe "failed" is a strong word, but I definitely would go "all in" for awhile, and fizzle out.  Also, because I crave attention more than most (just being honest :), I would get disappointed when there were no "comments" (subtle hint? maybe) by readers and would inevitably give up due to lack of "followers."  However, in recent months I have had a strong desire to start writing again.  I LOVE to write....journals, stories, letters, yes...even papers in college.  I love it all.  So I've decided to give it a whirl again, for me.  A place for me to get some thoughts out, comments or no comments, followers or no followers, and cheaper than going back to school (a real thought I've entertained) in order to suffice my "writing" cravings.

If I'm being honest, I would have started this a lot sooner, but I was waiting for a catchy or cool blog name to come to me.  Yup.  Lame.  As I was thinking about all these "witty" things I could write that would so "perfectly" capture the essence of who I am, I was drawing a blank.  I was having a "wit block" in my brain....something that happens rarely to me, because if you know me, I am the self proclaimed "funniest person I know. "

Frustrated by my lack of wit, I began to go the opposite route and think about themes in my life, things God has been teaching me, or something that would capture where I am on my journey.  As I began to look back on the past year or so of my life, replaying the various "trends," in my life, themes God has been using to teach me, and the growth both personally and spiritually I have experienced; "remade" came to my mind.  I should back up and say that I am also in love with the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, and I feel like God often times uses music to teach me or meet me where I'm at.  This song has been no exception, and has been an amazing reminder of the way God views me.  No matter where I've been, who I've been, what I have or haven't done, or how the world sees me...I have been remade.  My favorite lyrics in the entire song are:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

What I have realized is that I too often times get stuck in the decisions made...good or bad, over analyzing my life both present, past, and future....and get too wrapped up in what I'm lacking.  So, over the past few months I have decided to make an effort to consciously remember that life is not about any of these things.  I have vowed to live in the moment.  Embrace the craziness that can sometimes be my life.  And to stop worrying (that one's gonna be easier said than done!).  So, join me as I gracefully stumble (what?  I'm kinda clutzy, and I fall a lot) through my "20-something" life...through spiritual journeys,  hard times, hilarious times, disappointing times, possibly sad times, but ultimately good times, embracing every moment for what it is. Overall living as a daughter of the most high King, remade in His image, and doing everything to bring Him glory.