Legacy

Did you think I gave up on this whole blog thing?  Yeah?  Forgive me, I've had just a tad bit going on in life since jet setting across the world to Africa.  (See last post....you're really behind ;)  More on that at some point....preferably in person...where we can sit and chat over coffee and I can show you pictures of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life.  No, really....let's get coffee and talk about it!  :)  Anyways, it's been a crazy few months!  I got back from Africa, I ended up moving to a new house, I started the insanity that is recruitment season, and most recently my beloved Grandpa Crumrine WON his battle with cancer, and went to be with the Lord.  Yes, I did say he won his battle with cancer, because when you're a believer in the most High King, and your body ceases to exist on this Earth, you take up your rightful citizenship in Heaven.  So although I miss him, I refuse to say or let anyone else say that he "lost his battle with cancer" because well, that just isn't true :)  I've had a blog post formulating in my head since I learned of my grandpa's passing, and the theme that has danced in my head in the days that have followed.  So...here we go :)

So, here's the deal.  I have amazing grandparents.  I'm super blessed to say the least.  Each of them are incredibly unique.  You've got my Grandma and Grandpa Mac.  Have you ever seen "Everybody Loves Raymond?"  You know the old couple on that show?  That's them :)  They are hilarious to say the least, and some of my most favorite people to spend time with and have always been my brother and I's biggest fans in life.  Ever wonder where I get my big hair, and love for makeup and glitz and glamour?  Grandma Mac.  Her name is Catherine, and whenever I'm getting really fancy, my parents say I'm getting "All Catherined Up" and I know exactly what they mean ;)  My friends affectionately refer to her as my Vegas Grandma :)  Then you have Grandpa Mac.  A hardworking, soft spoken, small town, Cardinal fan.  When I went to Africa he began praying weeks in advance, and made sure I knew it.  Sweet as he is, you don't want to see him after a Cardinal's loss ;)  Grandma and Grandpa Mac are still living, and will always be a very important part of my life.  I love them.

Then you have Grandma and Grandpa Crumrine.  Grandma Crumrine passed away when I was a Senior in high school, and I didn't think anything else could shake my life up more than that.  She was the classiest of ladies, hailing from the Jersey Shore and coming to live in small town Illinois with her beloved Navy sailor.  She was 100% Sicilian, and the times I had with her could best be described as hilarious and always memorable.  My cousins and I affectionately referred to her as our "Rock and Roll Grandma."  Because, well, she was all about the party :)  Yet in the sweet and quiet moments, she was one of the wisest women I have ever known, and I can only aspire to be just like her someday. 

Just over two weeks ago, my grandpa Crumrine passed away.  It wasn't unexpected.  He had lung cancer, and had taken a turn for the worse in the recent weeks.  While his death still marks one of the hardest things I have been through in my 25 years, I had a lot of time to refocus my thought process surrounding his death, and the theme that kept playing over and over in my head was "legacy."

When I was a senior in high school I gave a talk at my youth group, and it was centered around the fact that each one of us was going to leave a legacy on this earth, and to think about what we wanted it to be about. I played the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman, and although I think my friends thought I was cheesy, it's still one of my favorite songs.  You can listen to it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3GxmLaaAwg

This song and the word "legacy" has been echoing in my head since the moment I found out my grandpa passed away.  Someone wrote on my Facebook about him leaving a legacy, and it stuck with me.  As I sat in his house with my family and my cousins and without him, I could have let the sadness overtake me.  It was certainly strong enough to.  However, I couldn't help but just look around and take it all in.  All of us....6 of his children, their spouses, his grandchildren, and now their spouses, all there because of him.  All of what was before me happened because he met my grandma, they fell in love, and created a legacy together.  A legacy that will reach far beyond their lives, and far beyond even mine!  Each of us with our own stories, because of his story.  It's surreal to think about!  The plan that God has unfolded for my life is a part of his legacy.

Take just me for example.  Over 25 years ago my grandpa started a business.  Shortly thereafter, he hired a young man to work for him.  Then, he hired my dad to work for him.  That young man and my dad became friends.  That young man became a pastor at New Castle Bible Church, invited my dad to attend the church with my mom.  My parents become Christians and begin regularly attending New Castle.  I grow up in a Christian home, and in a church that would be my church home for over 25 years.  It's there that I find my passion for youth ministry, become friends with some of the most important people in my life, travel half way around the world to do mission work with them, and will spend my life living for the glory of the King.  That same pastor did my grandpa's funeral and spoke of the legacy that was left by my grandpa.  And, random side note...his daughter will be moving in with me this week.  How's that for coming full circle?  All because my grandpa hired an employee way back when.  Not to mention the fact that I'm determined now more than ever to be the Domestic Goddess that my grandpa always teased me about not being ;)  And this is just my story!  My entire family has a story that was started by my grandpa!  It's incredible to think about. 

My grandpa's visitation and funeral was among one of the classiest I have ever been a part of.  Hundreds of people came to pay their respects, thousands of memorable words were spoken...not one of them bad, dozens of flower arrangements sent to our family, two refrigerators and all of our counter space entirely covered with food offering condolences to our family, one of the most amazing funeral services ever was performed, cards were sent, Navy men paid their respects at the graveside, and many tears were shed.  And the funniest part of it all was that my grandpa would have hated all the hoopla of that!  Ha!  He was such a quiet, gentle, faithful, wise, man who never wanted attention drawn to him.  But when you leave an amazing legacy, there's bound to be a little bit of attention drawn to you in the end :)

As the casket was brought out of the church, all of my cousins lined up on either side as we said goodbye to our grandpa for one last time.  Through my sobs, I couldn't help but look at all my cousins...each of them grieving the loss of what grandpa meant to them.  But I also couldn't help but think of their stories...the ones that are still being written, all because of the legacy my grandpa left in their lives. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that each of us has a legacy to live out, and are a part of a legacy that has been left to them.  And ultimately a part of a grand plan that is divinely orchestrated by the Creator himself.  I plan to create one heck of a legacy!  I can only hope to do it with the class and hilarity of Grandma C, the hardwork of Grandpa Mac, the wise and calm faith of Grandpa C, while staying glitz and glam like Grandma Mac.  I do believe that will be a good start :)

I will close with one of my most recent favorite stories of Grandpa C.  The morning I left for Africa he called me on the phone to tell me goodbye, and in true Amanda fashion, I was freaking out about my plane ride.  ( I have a severe fear of flying!)  I was like, "Grandpa...it's such a long time...and it's so scary!"  And he laughed and said, "I know, honey, but just look out the window and enjoy the view.  Think of it as a beautiful movie that the Lord has created especially for you."  I carried that with me on my entire trip and was the calmest I have ever been on a plane.  So...here's to you, Grandpa C!  I hope you are enjoying your time with Jesus and watching us proudly as we live out your legacy like a movie just for you :)  We love you and only hope to make you as proud of us as we were of you.

Overwhelmed

Earlier this week, my Facebook status simply stated what I felt like my life was so obviously screaming.  "Amanda McLaughlin is completely overwhelmed."  It wasn't a lie.  In my head, I had every right to be overwhelmed.  I had just a tad on my plate.  Finishing work up to be gone for 3 weeks, preparing for Africa mentally, preparing for Africa physically (I hate laundry and packing...this is a recipe for bad news prior to trips!), add on to there that I still had money to raise for my trip at the end of last week, my team was still waiting on 5 Visas to come through, I was wrestling with God in several areas, and you could forget about my healthy eating plan!  I was too busy for that nonsense!  Did somebody say McDonald's!? Throw all these things together, and some more I'm sure, and I was as emo as a good Dashboard Confessional song.  I mean it....I would read Facebook status' of friends...happy, sad, or even "I had cereal for breakfast" kind of status', and I would burst into tears.  My poor mom was getting the emails I'm sure she dreads from me....you know, the ones where I sit there and write them, and she doesn't know it (I'm sure she prob does), but I'm writing them with tears streaming down my face.  Yup.  That kind of week.  I would lay in bed everynight praying for God to calm my spirit, and that I would get some sleep.  I mean, really!  I needed that sleep! 

About midweek I woke up earlier than my alarm (hate that!), to a text message from Facebook.  I immediately thought two things.  A.)  I flippin' HATE Facebook mobile!  Why are you sending me texts at 5 am?  B.)  I opted to have Facebook mobile...so I needed to calm down about that.  When I read it, I was instantly calmed by the fact that a dear friend of mine had read my status and left a piece of scripture on my wall for me to read.  I opened up my Bible, read the scripture, and it was as if instantly everything was put into perspective.  I felt my spirit calming, but more than anything I felt like from that point forward God was tellling me it was okay to be overwhelmed.  But not the kind of overwhelmed that I was feeling. 

It took me awhile to piece if all together, but now...as I'm sitting here the night before my trip.  I am seeing things a lot more clearly, and in a whole new kind of overwhelmed!  It's as if God has been saying, "Go ahead Amanda.  Be overwhelmed.  But let me remind you of the things you should be overwhelmed by.  You have a great job...who let you off for 3 weeks to take a once in a life time trip across the world to declare My name and rejoice with your brothers and sisters there.  That same trip is the trip that you are stressing about preparing for mentally...just follow Me.  Oh yeah, and that laundry?  You have clothes don't you?  Enjoy them.  Remember how you still needed $1000 for your trip just a couple weeks ago?  I brought you that money.  All of it.  And all of the money for the rest of your team.  And then some.  The Visas that everyone was waiting on....I did that too.  Luckily I'm tight with the Nigerian embassy.  The last one showed up today...you had to have known I was gonna work that out.  You know that wrestling match we keep having about hard things in your life?  Keep wrestling with it.  You are going to be stronger for it, and you won't believe what I'm waiting to bless your life with if you just trust and follow Me.  It makes me smile to see you happy and I delight in giving you the desires of your heart.  That's how much I love you.  By the way...great weigh in today.  You doubted that I could give you the will power to take this weight loss journey, didn't you?  How does it feel to be 41 lbs lighter?  I am so proud of You, daughter.  Are you still overwhelmed?  You are one blessed girl...it's okay to be a little overwhelmed.  My love and grace tends to do that." 

Now obviously...that's not a direct quote from God..ha!  But, it's what I feel like He is saying in my spirit in so many words...put into my words. 

To make my point, I am still overwhelmed.  But a new kind of overwhelmed.  An overwhelmed that can only come from someone who is in awe of the awesome power, ways, and grace of the King of the Universe.  Overwhelmed by the fact that when you trust God with the seemingly impossible situations in life, He delights in making them possible.  Overwhelmed by a God who loves His people so much that He delights in giving them the desires of their hearts, and blessing them. 

Tomorrow morning I will get on a plane and head literally across the world to Nigeria, Africa.  I will be in a culture I've never been in, seeing things I've never seen, meeting people I've never met, being in situations and places I never dreamed of being, and being used by God to declare His name and bring love to a nation in His name.  I am so humbled that He has chosen to use me in this way.  And I think it's pretty safe to say that this is just the beginning of my being overwhelmed. 

I'm A Loser.....

**Short disclaimer:  I hate when people toot their own horn about things.  I'm not into moms who brag on their kids obsessively, I don't like it when people show off and make their business other people's business for the sake of people knowing, heck, I have a hard time accepting a compliment sometimes.  So...the last thing I want to make this post about is a "look at me" kinda thing...but rather about a long journey that has taken place throughout most of my life, and another way in which I am being "remade."**

If you know me, you know that I have struggled with weight for most of my life.  Some times have been worse than others, but overall it has been a cloud that looms over my head in some form constantly.  One look at my great ancestors will tell you that I was never destined to be small by any means.  We're just "big boned" people.  However, in recent years, it has become more and more an annoyance, and a way in which I viewed myself as not quite measuring up.  It has affected my social life, my self confidence, and just overall who I am.

Now I have wasted a lot of time on diets.  You name it, I did it.  Including that one weird one....South Beach?  All I know is I ate a lot of cheese, and although I like cheese, who can live like that!?  I tried calorie counting, I tried simply "watching what I ate," I tried cutting out soda or fast food...or whatever.  Inevitably I would lose a few lbs, get off track and gain it right back, leaving me right back where I started, and more frustrated than I had been.  I was chalking it up to the fact that I just "couldn't lose weight."  I was meant to be a "bigger person."  You can imagine how that left me feeling...not so hot!  Ha!  

About a little over a year ago, I got frustrated with who I was.  I was constantly selling myself short in life because of how I didn't measure up to what society considered "beauty."  I was constantly comparing myself to other girls, and my self confidence was more like self NOT confidence.  So, at the suggestion of a co-worker, I decided to join her in a work out challenge at work.  The goal?  Be the first one to exercise the equivalent of 100 miles.  It sounded daunting, and she was a triathlete!  What was I getting myself into!?  But ya know what, I saw the goal...and I was NOT going to let her beat me.  And she didn't :)  About 2 months later, I was sittin' pretty with the cash reward from the office pool, and had more motivation than ever to get moving!  That was the first in a series of events that would be how I would begin a journey of being "remade" physically and mentally. 

In August of last year, I joined Mary Kay.  Now....for all my MK nay sayers, and people who like to tease me about selling it...laugh all you want.  But, I can honestly say that being a part of this company has changed the way I view myself as a person, and has given me the self confidence I have needed to continue on in the journey that I was unknowingly embarking on.  Through Mary Kay I have learned to embrace who I am, believe in myself, know that I'm beautiful, and take challenges I would have never taken.  I chose to make decisions that affect who I am.  Not anyone else!  Along with that I also gained an incredible group of women who support me and love me through life.  No questions asked.  It was just the booster I needed to take me to the next level of my journey!

When I started the exercise challenge, I was at the highest weight I had ever been.  That was January of 2010.  In 2010, somehow I managed to lose right around 25 lbs without really even trying that hard.  I just felt better about who I was, and in turn was making choices that were better for my overall health and well being. 

So....why did I tell you all of this?!  You're probably wondering when I will get to the point :)

Knowing that I now had the confidence that I needed; at the beginning of May, I decided that I was ready to take charge, once and for all of my health, body, and overall well being.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers, and truly commit myself to losing weight, and becoming on the outside, who I wanted to be, to match how I felt on the inside.  After just about 2 months, I have lost 12.4 lbs., making my total weight loss 37.4 lbs!  I am ecstatic to say the least.  (That's the bragging part :)  This is the most weight I have ever lost at one time, and I feel amazing :)

Like I said...I say all of this, not to try to brag or make myself sound awesome, but for me, it's all about the journey, and making people aware of what God has done in me over the past year or so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have accused God of giving me the short end of the stick in life, and whined about how unfair He was because I was caught in the trap of societal comparison. 

I am so thankful that I serve a patient God.  One that didn't just give me what I wanted....but rather gave me what I desired, and also blessed me by leading me through a journey of discovering who I really was, and who I was made to be....in HIM!  I am not only ecstatic for my weight loss, but I am ecstatic at what God is doing in me as a result.  And it's not over!  I have a long ways to go until my goal, but I know I will get there :)  God has given me the best support system ever, and the will power, patience, and endurance to run the race (quite literally! ha!) that He has set before me.  To continue to allow myself to be remade in Him, through Him, and even on the outside too :) 

And that my friends....I may just brag about a lil ;)

 

Embrace It

This has been a long time coming.  Being a regular "blog reader"  (is there a special word for that?  It seems like it should be called something fancier than "blog reader?") I have been thinking since probably January that I should start blogging again.  Yes.  Again.  Meaning I have blogged, and failed in the past.  Okay, so maybe "failed" is a strong word, but I definitely would go "all in" for awhile, and fizzle out.  Also, because I crave attention more than most (just being honest :), I would get disappointed when there were no "comments" (subtle hint? maybe) by readers and would inevitably give up due to lack of "followers."  However, in recent months I have had a strong desire to start writing again.  I LOVE to write....journals, stories, letters, yes...even papers in college.  I love it all.  So I've decided to give it a whirl again, for me.  A place for me to get some thoughts out, comments or no comments, followers or no followers, and cheaper than going back to school (a real thought I've entertained) in order to suffice my "writing" cravings.

If I'm being honest, I would have started this a lot sooner, but I was waiting for a catchy or cool blog name to come to me.  Yup.  Lame.  As I was thinking about all these "witty" things I could write that would so "perfectly" capture the essence of who I am, I was drawing a blank.  I was having a "wit block" in my brain....something that happens rarely to me, because if you know me, I am the self proclaimed "funniest person I know. "

Frustrated by my lack of wit, I began to go the opposite route and think about themes in my life, things God has been teaching me, or something that would capture where I am on my journey.  As I began to look back on the past year or so of my life, replaying the various "trends," in my life, themes God has been using to teach me, and the growth both personally and spiritually I have experienced; "remade" came to my mind.  I should back up and say that I am also in love with the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, and I feel like God often times uses music to teach me or meet me where I'm at.  This song has been no exception, and has been an amazing reminder of the way God views me.  No matter where I've been, who I've been, what I have or haven't done, or how the world sees me...I have been remade.  My favorite lyrics in the entire song are:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

What I have realized is that I too often times get stuck in the decisions made...good or bad, over analyzing my life both present, past, and future....and get too wrapped up in what I'm lacking.  So, over the past few months I have decided to make an effort to consciously remember that life is not about any of these things.  I have vowed to live in the moment.  Embrace the craziness that can sometimes be my life.  And to stop worrying (that one's gonna be easier said than done!).  So, join me as I gracefully stumble (what?  I'm kinda clutzy, and I fall a lot) through my "20-something" life...through spiritual journeys,  hard times, hilarious times, disappointing times, possibly sad times, but ultimately good times, embracing every moment for what it is. Overall living as a daughter of the most high King, remade in His image, and doing everything to bring Him glory.