I'm A Loser.....

**Short disclaimer:  I hate when people toot their own horn about things.  I'm not into moms who brag on their kids obsessively, I don't like it when people show off and make their business other people's business for the sake of people knowing, heck, I have a hard time accepting a compliment sometimes.  So...the last thing I want to make this post about is a "look at me" kinda thing...but rather about a long journey that has taken place throughout most of my life, and another way in which I am being "remade."**

If you know me, you know that I have struggled with weight for most of my life.  Some times have been worse than others, but overall it has been a cloud that looms over my head in some form constantly.  One look at my great ancestors will tell you that I was never destined to be small by any means.  We're just "big boned" people.  However, in recent years, it has become more and more an annoyance, and a way in which I viewed myself as not quite measuring up.  It has affected my social life, my self confidence, and just overall who I am.

Now I have wasted a lot of time on diets.  You name it, I did it.  Including that one weird one....South Beach?  All I know is I ate a lot of cheese, and although I like cheese, who can live like that!?  I tried calorie counting, I tried simply "watching what I ate," I tried cutting out soda or fast food...or whatever.  Inevitably I would lose a few lbs, get off track and gain it right back, leaving me right back where I started, and more frustrated than I had been.  I was chalking it up to the fact that I just "couldn't lose weight."  I was meant to be a "bigger person."  You can imagine how that left me feeling...not so hot!  Ha!  

About a little over a year ago, I got frustrated with who I was.  I was constantly selling myself short in life because of how I didn't measure up to what society considered "beauty."  I was constantly comparing myself to other girls, and my self confidence was more like self NOT confidence.  So, at the suggestion of a co-worker, I decided to join her in a work out challenge at work.  The goal?  Be the first one to exercise the equivalent of 100 miles.  It sounded daunting, and she was a triathlete!  What was I getting myself into!?  But ya know what, I saw the goal...and I was NOT going to let her beat me.  And she didn't :)  About 2 months later, I was sittin' pretty with the cash reward from the office pool, and had more motivation than ever to get moving!  That was the first in a series of events that would be how I would begin a journey of being "remade" physically and mentally. 

In August of last year, I joined Mary Kay.  Now....for all my MK nay sayers, and people who like to tease me about selling it...laugh all you want.  But, I can honestly say that being a part of this company has changed the way I view myself as a person, and has given me the self confidence I have needed to continue on in the journey that I was unknowingly embarking on.  Through Mary Kay I have learned to embrace who I am, believe in myself, know that I'm beautiful, and take challenges I would have never taken.  I chose to make decisions that affect who I am.  Not anyone else!  Along with that I also gained an incredible group of women who support me and love me through life.  No questions asked.  It was just the booster I needed to take me to the next level of my journey!

When I started the exercise challenge, I was at the highest weight I had ever been.  That was January of 2010.  In 2010, somehow I managed to lose right around 25 lbs without really even trying that hard.  I just felt better about who I was, and in turn was making choices that were better for my overall health and well being. 

So....why did I tell you all of this?!  You're probably wondering when I will get to the point :)

Knowing that I now had the confidence that I needed; at the beginning of May, I decided that I was ready to take charge, once and for all of my health, body, and overall well being.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers, and truly commit myself to losing weight, and becoming on the outside, who I wanted to be, to match how I felt on the inside.  After just about 2 months, I have lost 12.4 lbs., making my total weight loss 37.4 lbs!  I am ecstatic to say the least.  (That's the bragging part :)  This is the most weight I have ever lost at one time, and I feel amazing :)

Like I said...I say all of this, not to try to brag or make myself sound awesome, but for me, it's all about the journey, and making people aware of what God has done in me over the past year or so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have accused God of giving me the short end of the stick in life, and whined about how unfair He was because I was caught in the trap of societal comparison. 

I am so thankful that I serve a patient God.  One that didn't just give me what I wanted....but rather gave me what I desired, and also blessed me by leading me through a journey of discovering who I really was, and who I was made to be....in HIM!  I am not only ecstatic for my weight loss, but I am ecstatic at what God is doing in me as a result.  And it's not over!  I have a long ways to go until my goal, but I know I will get there :)  God has given me the best support system ever, and the will power, patience, and endurance to run the race (quite literally! ha!) that He has set before me.  To continue to allow myself to be remade in Him, through Him, and even on the outside too :) 

And that my friends....I may just brag about a lil ;)

 

Embrace It

This has been a long time coming.  Being a regular "blog reader"  (is there a special word for that?  It seems like it should be called something fancier than "blog reader?") I have been thinking since probably January that I should start blogging again.  Yes.  Again.  Meaning I have blogged, and failed in the past.  Okay, so maybe "failed" is a strong word, but I definitely would go "all in" for awhile, and fizzle out.  Also, because I crave attention more than most (just being honest :), I would get disappointed when there were no "comments" (subtle hint? maybe) by readers and would inevitably give up due to lack of "followers."  However, in recent months I have had a strong desire to start writing again.  I LOVE to write....journals, stories, letters, yes...even papers in college.  I love it all.  So I've decided to give it a whirl again, for me.  A place for me to get some thoughts out, comments or no comments, followers or no followers, and cheaper than going back to school (a real thought I've entertained) in order to suffice my "writing" cravings.

If I'm being honest, I would have started this a lot sooner, but I was waiting for a catchy or cool blog name to come to me.  Yup.  Lame.  As I was thinking about all these "witty" things I could write that would so "perfectly" capture the essence of who I am, I was drawing a blank.  I was having a "wit block" in my brain....something that happens rarely to me, because if you know me, I am the self proclaimed "funniest person I know. "

Frustrated by my lack of wit, I began to go the opposite route and think about themes in my life, things God has been teaching me, or something that would capture where I am on my journey.  As I began to look back on the past year or so of my life, replaying the various "trends," in my life, themes God has been using to teach me, and the growth both personally and spiritually I have experienced; "remade" came to my mind.  I should back up and say that I am also in love with the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North, and I feel like God often times uses music to teach me or meet me where I'm at.  This song has been no exception, and has been an amazing reminder of the way God views me.  No matter where I've been, who I've been, what I have or haven't done, or how the world sees me...I have been remade.  My favorite lyrics in the entire song are:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

What I have realized is that I too often times get stuck in the decisions made...good or bad, over analyzing my life both present, past, and future....and get too wrapped up in what I'm lacking.  So, over the past few months I have decided to make an effort to consciously remember that life is not about any of these things.  I have vowed to live in the moment.  Embrace the craziness that can sometimes be my life.  And to stop worrying (that one's gonna be easier said than done!).  So, join me as I gracefully stumble (what?  I'm kinda clutzy, and I fall a lot) through my "20-something" life...through spiritual journeys,  hard times, hilarious times, disappointing times, possibly sad times, but ultimately good times, embracing every moment for what it is. Overall living as a daughter of the most high King, remade in His image, and doing everything to bring Him glory.