Warning....this has potential to be long...but worth it I think :)
Have you ever been asked the question, "What really gets you going? What makes your heart beat faster and stirs an excitement down to the very core of your being?" If you ask me that question...I would answer you by saying "adoption." But how can this one word evoke such emotion in a person? Especially when for some, it causes the exact opposite reaction. It may cause fear, feel risky, not make sense. But for me...it has always made sense and until recently, I had no idea why.
I'm not really sure when I started to develop a passion for adoption, and I can't even really tell you what the "why" was behind it, besides the fact that I had seen so many kids in such dire need in countries all over the world, and that adoption painted a picture of what Christ did for me by adopting me into His family when He drew me to Himself. I have always loved children, and have known for YEARS that I want to be a mom....maybe want is an understatement...I am MADE to be a mom. There are few things in life that I want more than to raise a Godly family that fears the Lord. Which is why this period of "waiting" I am in for a Godly man to help me raise that family is even harder than it should be, but I digress...and I pray :) Anyways, I would say probably 5 years ago or so, I started to develop a very strong desire for adoption. So much so, that in my head I felt strongly that I wanted a majority of my children to be adopted. Sure, I want to have at least one baby of my own, but I over the years, I was becoming increasingly more and more okay with adopting most, if not all of my children. To be honest, it kind of scared me and evoked such questions as "Am I not able to have kids? Is that why God is putting a desire for adoption in me? Is this the "consolation prize" I will get for being unable to have children?" Crazy, I know....but those started to become real questions in my head/heart. But even still...I felt excited. My family would even joke that my family would be like "It's a small world after all" with kids from every nation living under my roof. I was okay with that! I was excited about that! I was actually super fired up about that!
It turns out...not everyone is excited and super fired up about that. In recent months the subject of adoption and having kids became a sore subject in dating or potential dating relationships. Inevitably we'd get to the point where it was necessary to bring those ideas for desires for a future family up, and I would end up scaring them off with my passion for adoption, and sometimes my desire for children in general. I was accused of "having my life too planned out," or was told that overseas missions or adoption just "wasn't his thing." Which is fine...but it grated on me. Was my life too planned out? Should I be THIS attached to the idea of adoption that it becomes a deal breaker in potential dating situations? Should I be a little more flexible? Maybe I shouldn't adopt after all? And on, and on, and on, and on. I was becoming willing to sacrifice what I felt God had placed on my heart, in order to find a man or in order to not appear "too planned out" in life. Maybe this wasn't a calling after all? Just a crazy idea I had? It was becoming more and more unclear and confusing.
Then I went to Africa.....
It was one of the last days in Turkana, and my team was assigned to work in a preschool that day. Just go in, play some games, sing some songs, and do some skits for the kids. Easy. I got this. I was exhausted, and worn out from the week, and to be honest...was really ready to just go in, hug some babies, do my time, and leave. Wouldn't it be just like God to change my life on a day I thought would be ordinary?
We began playing with the kids...they were seriously cute. Probably 50 children under the age of 4 with two male teachers, pretty much zero structure, and even less in the way of resources for their school.
The kids at the school playing....
After about an hour of standing around with kids as they played games in Swahili and I stood in the heat watching them...semi-annoyed...I was told the kids were going to go have class and then have a meal before they went home. Great! We're almost done here...and I can go back and rest this afternoon! (seriously. bad. attitude.) So, we went into the kids classroom and began to sing songs and play games with them. I was warming up to this. There were several kids who were just darling, and clinging to me...and there's nothing that gets me out of a funk more than a cute baby...so things were looking up!
Hanging out in their class with them...sweet babies.
So many kids! Kinda chaotic...but really fun!
Just trying to be scholarly at school ;) Is it wrong I didn't tell her they were on upside down? It was too cute :) And I don't know Swahili!
This little one stole my heart. Melted me right into a puddle.
After awhile, the teachers told the students it was time for their meal. I have NEVER seen kids move that fast. As they ran to the door, someone explained to me that most kids go to school because it's the one place they are guaranteed a meal for the day. Wow. What a perspective check.
Kids lined up ready to head to the next building for their meal.
As the kids lined up, I was told that we would be moving them down to the next building where they would wash up and be given a bowl of porridge.
Eager to wash those hands!
I stood by as I watched kid after kid RUN to the wash basin, wash their hands and run into this concrete building. The kids all sat on the hard floor and against the cold walls of this cement room and I watched as volunteers began to give each child a large bowl filled with porridge, and another large bowl filled with juice. This porridge was unlike any other porridge I have seen. It was a liquid-y consistancy, with a semi-hard film across the top, which kids pulled off, ate, and then dumped the liquid part in their mouths. And after they poured the porridge in their mouths, they ran their little fingers and hands along the sides of the bowl, getting every last drop and licking their fingers up to the knuckle...not wanting to waste even a drop.
Eating the film off the top of their bowl.
Desperately pouring their porridge in their mouths.
Sweet, hungry, babies.
Now I've seen a lot of kids in need...and been all over the world in situations where I have seen the poor be fed, but I have NEVER felt the way I felt in that room. I was completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion. I served porridge to several children, as they waited patiently for my hands to set the bowl on the floor in front of them, before they scooped it up, and drank it down, making it disappear faster than it appeared. After a few minutes, it became clear that I could no longer stand in this room. I was so overcome with emotion...and could feel the tears welling in my eyes. In order to avoid alarming the children, I went outside to get a hold of myself. I sat down on the steps of the building and just sobbed. I let the tears rolls off my sunburned cheeks, and drip down onto the parched African dust. I had every emotion I could have had. I was sad for these kids...I was angry with God for allowing such injustice. I was angry with myself for being so selfish. I wanted to do more, and I was so mad that I went to Turkana for a week and a half, and then was just going to leave these people in the same state I met them in. What good did I do? What more could I do?
So....I had it out with God. Right there. Right on that cement step in the middle of Turkana. Tears pouring down my face, angry, and out to let God know just how unfair this was.
So I told Him. And I asked Him why He was allowing me to see this? And how could I possibly do more? And He listened. And then, as He often does, He spoke. Simply. Beautifully. Profoundly. To the very depth of my soul.
"Amanda...I am allowing you to see this....to visit many of My nations all over the world...because one day adoption is how you will help and how you will impact my Kingdom."
*gulp....crickets chirping*
Right there...in the middle of Turkana, the Savior of the Universe, heard my cries, caught my tears, and turned His head to answer me and affirm in me that my "notion" to adopt is actually a calling. Despite what the world, and man may tell me...I was no longer to second guess.
More tears. Tears of praise. Tears of Thanksgiving. Tears of joy. Tears of humility.
As I composed myself, I looked up, and saw a little girl standing in front of me with the biggest, white, toothy, grin. So I smiled back, and she climbed up on my lap and grabbed my hand. Tangible expressions of My Father's love for me.
I think I'm still processing through all that this encounter means for my life. And ultimately, at this point I am in no position to act on this calling. But as I processed that day and in the days to follow, Jesus simply told me to trust Him. To enjoy the ride until I am able to act. To continue observing His nations and seeing His creation until it's time. And to rest in His calling. I think I can handle that.
"For He has not ignored the suffering of the needy, He has not turned and walked away. He has listened to their cries for help. I will praise you among all the people; I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you. The poor will eat and be satisfied. All who seek the Lord will praise him. Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy. The whole Earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to Him. People from every nation will bow down before Him. For the Lord is King! He rules all the nations."
Psalm 22:24-28 NLT
